Tears In The Dark
by Shutterbug5269
Summary: Written for the thankyouterri campaign. A fill for season 4 mid-Rise after the hospital but before Kate's return to the precinct.


**Tears in the Dark**

* * *

_"...if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."_

Friedrich Nietzsche

* * *

It had been a long two days since Kate had argued with her father and made him go home. She had purposefully remained in her room while he packed his bag and loaded it into this Ford Explorer to drive back to New York. She was so angry with him, she barely permitted his hug and the kiss to her cheek before she hustled him out the door.

He had asked her the night before that why she still hadn't called anyone. Why she left the city without so much as a word to any of her friends or coworkers since breaking up with Josh and checking out of the hospital. He had been careful to avoid such topics when she could barely see straight through the haze of drugs the first few weeks they had stayed since their arrival. But as soon as the haze was gone and she could see straight, that fragile détente had slowly begun to fray.

The drugs had kept her calm, kept her from dwelling on things she had not wanted to think about, but the prescription for the anti-anxiety meds had run out a week ago, and she had taken those sparingly as it was. The last one had passed though her lips nearly a week ago and it's control over her mood was running out as the last of it was metabolized out of her system.

The topics of that night's discussion had begun with her refusal to renew her prescription for those and only agreeing to renew the one for the lightest of the pain killers. Her father wanted her to follow her doctor's advice and kept on her about it long after he knew he was getting nowhere and she would not be moved from that decision. The last straw had been when he told her that he had been the one to send Castle to confront her the night of their big fight in her apartment in a bid to get her to call him.

It was like her dad had wanted to pick a fight. The argument had been brief, but in the end she had told him to go home.

Kate had spent her first day alone still fuming at her dad for broaching topics she did not want to talk about... with anyone, least of all her father. Her anger had kept her focused but that soon burned away, and only now did she realize how absolutely quiet the isolated cabin in the Adirondacks was with only one occupant.

Kate was beginning to regret her rash, angry decision.

The day had started off gloomy and rainy to begin with and had only gotten worse as the hours wore on and it got dark. Kate had come up here for the peace and quiet so she could heal her physical and emotional wounds in private, but she had never been alone at the cabin before.

Now she was alone with her memories of her mother and her shooting and the near absolute silence did nothing for her peace of mind, much less her anxiety level. Something her father had tried to warn her about. He'd come here to be alone when she had gone back to Stanford after her mother's funeral. In this quiet cabin, alone with his own demons the drinking problem that had torn them apart had begun.

But by then she had been too angry to hear his plea not to stay here alone.

She thought she'd been doing okay, she really did. She'd turned on the radio in the living room for the noise and it had helped for a little while. At least it had banished the oppressive silence that had settled like a heavy blanket over the cabin for most of the afternoon.

It hadn't taken long, but every song had started to remind her of Castle. Of his declaration of love, of the lie she'd told and the phone call she'd promised to make. A promise she knew she would break as soon as she'd made it. The godawful things she'd said and done to a man whose only crime was trying to save her life and telling her he loved her.

Finally, she'd had enough.

THWACK

The small radio made a satisfying crashing sound as it slammed into the far wall and hit the floor, popping the cover to the battery pack, sending the AA's rolling across the floor.

That feeling of satisfaction soon disappeared as the oppressive silence once again settled over the cabin. Leaving her trapped again, alone with her thoughts and memories...with her terror of what loomed in the dark just outside the lights of the cabin. Her ever-increasing anxiety slowly crept up on her.

" Come and get me goddamn it! I'm not afraid!" Kate shouted, as much to fill the quiet as anything else. She couldn't even convince herself that the darkness and silence weren't getting the best of her.

She had become so attuned to the silence at this point that the first roll of thunder made her nearly jump out of her skin. Then the power went out and she was plunged into absolute darkness.

Her only source of light were the flashes of lightning from the gathering storm outside.

Every shadow held an assassin come to kill her.

Every flash of lightning and rumble of thunder a sniper's bullet aimed at her chest.

Kate couldn't think, she could barely breathe as the panic gripped her...chewed up her resolve to face this down alone and spat it out.

Every safe place she sought was thwarted as a flash of lightning and crash of thunder sent her fleeing.

No place was safe.

She had no badge, she had no gun, no partner...no backup... even the walls were closing in to crush the life out of her. Her heart throbbed in her chest, her scars pulled and the world crashed in around her leaving her curled into a tight ball in the darkest corner of the upstairs hall closet rocking back and forth a pillow clutched to her chest hiding under a blanket screaming for the one person who ever made her feel safe.

"CASTLE!"

She shouted his name against the sound and fury of the storm...knowing he wasn't coming. Knowing she had all but driven him away.

Her shouts of his name were quickly reduced to sobs and then to pathetic whimpers as she rocked back and forth, clutching the pillow she had stolen from his guest room two years ago until she finally, blissfully passed out.

She called her father the very next morning and apologized for sending him away.

He was back at the cabin and mostly unpacked before it got dark. The next morning he took her into the Wal-Mart and she practically bought out the candle and oil lamp aisle.

She never, ever spoke of that night. Not even to her therapist.

But she never spent another night alone in the family cabin again.

* * *

_**Prompt: "Story set mid-Rise, Beckett's first panic attack, alone in her father's cabin." **_

_**Filled as a gift to mapledoughnut for a generous contribution to YoungStoryTellers dot com slash ThankYouTerri. See all the prompts and fills at ThankYouTerri dot tumblr dot com. **_


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